So I decided to do a 3 day juice cleanse.
I felt like I really needed a kick, a jump start, to debloat, and a way to kick cravings. Get shit under control. You all know the reasons.
I didn’t feel like saying anything the first day cuz I’m sure at the start of the day it would have been all WOOHOOOOOO LOOK AT ME! I’M ON A JUICE CLEANSE AND ITS GONNA BE GREAAATTTTT. Then when i got home on day 1, i
cried sobbed, because i couldn’t stop thinking about eating popcorn for whatever reason. i don’t even LIKE popcorn that much! hah.
AND THEN, i didn’t wanna say anything YESTERDAY,day2 because i was HANGRY. (hungry/angry) all day. I wasn’t in the mood to type. All things considered, I was actually in a pretty good mood up until around 4pm and then i got cranky as fuck. I didn’t want the last juice of the day, and i wanted to by the time i got home on both days, i was a miserable mess. i’ve been in bed by 8:30pm, and asleep by around 9 both nights, because WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO IF YOU AREN’T MAKING DINNER and HAVE A HEADACHE?! i could’ve like, cleaned my house and done other stuff, but i literally, couldn’t even sit up right on the couch. I was dizzy, and miserable, until my husband got home, and woke me up because he bought me a surprise!! a fit bit! more on that later.
Today, is day 3. I think, i actually feel good?? I lost 8lbs over the 2 days- we’ll see what tomorrow final number says, and then we’ll see how much of it actually STAYS OFF. I am still a little tired, I know that all these people who juice are like I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT ALL! but either they’re lying, or its AFTER the 3 days. Because for 3 days, your body detoxes, so 3 days are the worst of it. so just when it should get easier, if you were doing say, a 10 day cleanse- its over. hah.
OKAY- so the cleanse:
We ripped off the blue print cleanse (blueprintcleanse.com)
and slightly modified a few of their juices. My friend has a Hurom slow juicer, so we made it in that ( my broke ass CANNOT afford one at this juncture.)
We did 6 juices a day, (which for me, turned into 5, because i just COULDN’T GET THE YELLOW DOWN. MORE on that in a sec.)
But turned out to be fine, because i felt like i physically couldn’t drink anymore juice. So its like, every 2 hours- 16 oz of juice.
so left to right we have: (forgive me if i’m leaving out an ingredient or 2…it took us forever and i was so cracked out by the time we finished):
GREEN: spinach, kale, celery, parsley, green apple, lemon, cucumber, ginger
YELLOW: (Which turned out to be fucking disgusting) Yellow Pepper, Lemon, Pinapple, ginger and i THINK golden beets? not sure if those went into the orange. NOTE: i couldn’t drink this one, no matter what. which is weird, because both Laura and i thought it was like BILE, but my husband liked it, and drank ALL of it! weirdo. Too much yellow peppper for me, and she thinks we added WAYYY too much lemon rind, which i have to aggree with- it was SOOO bitter.
ORANGE: butternut squash, oranges, Carrots, ginger,
PURPLE: Bluberries, Red Kale, Red Carrots, BEETS!, lemon, ginger, mint
WHITE: Almonds, vanilla, agave, cinnamon.
we did 2 green a day, 1 yellow, 1 orange, 1 purple, and one white.
The blue print cleanse has you drink the white as your last drink, more like, a dessert, but i found that drinking it as my 2ND drink, made the day way more manageable- getting that protein in earlier, it was much easier to sustain. really took the edge off.
SO for doing it ourselves, for the first time, i think we did a fantastic job. we did a shit ton of research and reading, and made certain choices in changing up some of the ingredients a little.
So here i am, day 3. currently sipping the white drink, as i type this. I feel fine, i DEFINATLEY FEEL LESS BLOATED! which was really the only goal, and someone said this morning that my skin looks very glowy. Not sure if thats this cleanse, or the Mac “hush” illuminator that i don’t leave home without anymore , but i’ll take it.
So i guess we’ll see after this is over, like, thursday and friday, when i have semi regular meals, how much weight stayed off, and how i feel, and if i’m still debloated. the plan is to eat REALLY REALLY clean, and then get a little more back to normal on monday. (not gross normal- like, sustainable, allowed to have coffee and SOME dairy normal)
BUT HOW SWEET IS MY HUSBAND?!?! last night he came home, and had a surprise: the fit bit i wanted!!!! it was a present because he was proud of me, for fighting through a lame ass 3 day cleanse!! hahah how cute?? ❤ He’s so supportive. he loves me AS I AM, but knows that losing weight is what I WANT, and while he knows he can’t say a word about it to me (i might murder him hahah) He always does little things to show support. He loves to write on the board every week when its weigh in time, and is always super proud and excited for me. Its really nice.
Anyway- It tracks your steps. So i’m super excited. SO far i’ve walked 2,276 steps today. hahaha
It smiles at me:
So be good kids! I’ll just be here, surviving the last hours of this
self torture Juice Cleanse.
Okay hambones, listen up.
If you are “on a diet” but eating a sausage keesh(pie crust WTF) for breakfast, and a scone before lunch, and 5 serving sizes of healthy blue corn tortilla chips, and 480 calories worth of peanut butter and jelly on a fat pice of rasin toast= NEWSFLASH!!! YOUR FAT ASS IS GOING TO EXPAND BEYOND PROPORTIONS YOU COULD EVEN IMAGINE. (translation: you are going to gain back 5lbs.
5 mother fucking pounds:
- of your very hard work.
- worth of deprived days and nights.
- of REAL tears you cried over REAL donuts you REALLY didn’t eat.
- that didn’t magically sweat off.
- from fire burning death muscle pain,
- lost only by huffing AND NEARLY BLACKING OUT,on a spinning bike next to skinny bitch Jets cheerleaders at the gym. (true life)
- of temptations resisted.
Only to wake up one day after the holidaze and realize: THAT SOMEONE SNUCK IN, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND HOT GLUE GUNNED those 5 pounds BACK TO YOUR GUT.(and sloppily and disproportionately back to ONE of your ass cheeks, WTF)
I’ll be real,I won’t pretend that it was SO EASY LOSING THAT 18 POUNDS!! we just ‘CHANGED OUR LIVES’ and ‘made sustainable life choices’ and “ate clean” and “its not a diet its a life change”….all that mumbo jumbo that fat bitches say to their skinny friends who don’t understand what it ACTUALLY feels like, to stand in front of a tray of cake pops and feel tears well up, because they can’t have any.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
..what i’m getting at here, is WHEN YOU START EATING ridiculous amounts of food that you know you shouldn’t be eating, and can’t seem to get back “on track”…..and skip 2 weeks at the gym, and swear you’re going to go “tomorrow”
TRY TO REMEMBER all the horrible things you went through, to get just to that spot. to lose those 17 pounds, or those 12 pounds, or those 42 pounds. REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE slice of pizza you didn’t eat, every time you made a salad instead of potatoes, every time you sat in a meeting and didn’t have red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting from THAT BAKERY….every time you didn’t have a beer, every horrible, obnoxious conversation you over heard at the gym, every boot camp class you suffered through(without vomiting) all the icy hot you had to rub on your thighs, and every single t shirt you sweat through to GET THERE. Because for me, thats the only thing that works. None of this, “OH I’LL EAT IT TODAY, AND GET RIGHT BACK ON IT TOMORROW!!” ,BULLSHIT. Because at the end of the day, to feel like, ALL OF THAT WAS FOR NOTHING…and I MAY AS WELL HAVE EATEN THAT….is a shittier feeling than all the rest.
BACK AWAY FROM THE BAKED GOODS.
“WE CAN DO THIS! “(un natural positivity to round out this post.)