Espresso Chocolate Banana Protein Shake!

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Just a quick hello to tell you- IF YOU HAVEN’T TRIED THIS DELICIOUS SHIT YET OMGGGGGZZZZ GET ON IT!!!

Ingredients:

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-iso 100 (or WHATEVER protein powder you like- something non chocolate might be AMAZING!)
-banana
-espresso shot
-almond milk
BLEND ALL WITH ICE…….

DELISSSHHHHHHHUSSSSS

THIS is my new fav breakfast. Wayyyy under 300 calories and it is to die for tasty. And let’s face it. Any excuse to get hopped on coffee- done and done. NEXT.

Today was a day, when I had 0 will to live,let alone ride my bike to and from work and to and from plans tonight. But I DID IT. I was laying on my couch at 8:40 this morning with my dog and my furry blanket, thinking there’s NO WAY km gonna ride in. I’m sore from the squat challenge(more on that later.) and I had 0 energy. And you know worked??? This is gonna sound RIDICULOUS- but were here for the truth, right?? ———

INSTAGRAM! Whenever I feel like I have nothing to give- I turn to all these bitches that are killing it on Instagram just like I am- who have the balls to tag all their before photos , and every meal they eat and their scary sweaty work outs… I made my way through the feed of strong beast chicks and then hit the #weightloss hashtag- and thoughT YES. I wanna get up and be one of these sweaty sore-happy they worked out-chicks. And I did.

After work, I met my friend for a glass of rosé at an outdoor cafe… I mean…. WHAT IS NYC for if you can’t do that?!!
I rode my bike 30 blocks with him In the basket.

LIVE FOR THIS:

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I burned 500 cals riding there and back together- and it was BRILLIANT, cuz it’s Like the wine and cheese never happened! Hahahah.

Goodnight bitches!!!


Salad in a Jar ! With Homemade Dressing.

Photo May 14, 10 16 20 AM

 

Just wanted to throw up a quick post to say HERE’s MY salad in a jar!! I think either i need a bigger jar, or i won’t really be doing this again (even though its sickengly cute)….But I feel like i needed more room at the top for my baby spinach and afraid of what its gonna look like come lunch time! I’ll let you know.

Bottom to Top:Tomatoes, Cucumbers, Blackened shrimp from the grill, Feta, and Baby spinach

I think too, i missed the point of this, i think you’re supposed to put the dressing on the bottom or something, so you don’t HAVE to bring another little container-but I’m still afraid of soggy whatever, so i still  brought it on the side:

HOME MADE DRESSING: its just a little olive oil, a squeeze of lime, salt, pepper, thyme, and italian seasoning. super easy! sometimes i’ll use lemon instead of lime, and we can get super fancy later and talk about ones with mustard seeds, or dijon or sriracha or spicy stuff…but today, was the 30 second dressing from home. I never buy store bought anymore.

Not much else to say today…i, didn’t lose a pound last week, so i was super annoyed, even though i know BLAH BLAH BLAH all the reasons and that the scale isn’t THAT IMPORTANT AND BLAH BLAH BLAH…but i still get annoyed lol. Hoping for big loss this week. Gonna try to go really hard.

 

UGH Tuesday…and go!


down 3 more pounds!!! 19 total!

WHATS UP BITCHES!!

1- its FRIDAY

2- I WEIGHED IN THIS MORNING, AND I LOST 3 MORE POUNDS -MAKING IT 19 TOTAL!!!!
since around March, when i RE-started but wasn’t really serious….and 10 lbs since April 12th, when i started going hard again.

i am EFFFFING THRILLED with this! Its just validation that what i’ve been doing IS WORKING, and i don’t have to question it all the time. i’m DEF. finally happy with this progress. If i can continue to lose at this rate, i’ll be at my 1st goal ON SCHEDULE, AS planned, by AUGUST, when my first vacation is!!! yay!!!! and then hopefully somewhere closer to my UGW by December, when our second trip is.

I need to remember how to HOLD ONTO this feeling, and STAY focused, and keep this motivation. What usually happens with me is, i’ll lose- and then i’ll hit a plateau, and then get discouraged because i don’t see numbers changing for a while, and then start eating like crap again, or getting lax in counting calories, and measuring and weighing food out. And then slowly, the scale will creep back up, and i’ll keep telling myself i’m gonna go hard again, but then i don’t, and make a billion excuses.

NOT THIS TIME!! I have determination i have NEVER had before, and motivation, and i WILL STICK with it this time. I don’t EVER want to have to START OVER again. I want to ride this wave, and i want to remember how good i feel, and i don’t want to give up.

I’m sore every day, and i’m eating really clean,and i feel FANTASTIC. i want to see how far i can take this by the time my trip rolls around. I am so excited to MAYBE take a bunch of pictures, and not CONSTANTLY BE WORRIED about angling myself so that my arms don’t look fat, or i don’t have double chins. I just want to feel free, and i think i’m on the right path.

HOLLLER!!!!!


RECIPE: Tostadas !! Chicken Tostadas or Brunch Tostadas ! SKINNY TOSTADAS !

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OKAY LISTEN UP:

I LOVE ME SOME MOTHER FUCKING MEXICAN FOOD. and all spanish food. its in my blood. All i ever want is rice and meat or anything crispy or fried. IF IT COMES IN A DOUGH: SOLD. I can’t live without it. Burritos, Tacos, Nachos, Chimichangas (fried death delicious), Empanadas, Enchiladas, and THATS RIGHT……TOSTADAS.

A tostada (for you uncultured, unenlightened, and SERIOUSLY DEPRIVED KIDS): Is basically, an open faced taco, but the shell is hard (read: fried). The best ones, are ones you get where a tortilla has been fried in old ass oil on the side of the road SUPER fresh, the flat taco shell still hot and freshly out of the oil crispy. but they also COULD BE THE DEATH OF YOU. so, we can’t eat these things in restaurants anymore, while we’re on a mission to reduce the sizes of our giant asses.

HOWEVER: eating them at home….CAN BE A JOY!!!!! AND DON’T HAVE TO BE INSANE CALORIES!!!! You can get tostada shells (flat of course) at the supermarket, and if you get the right brand ( they vary in calorie info)…the serving size is 3, ( and you only need 1 or 2), and they end up at about 50 calories for each! NOT BAD!! so for 2 shells, you’re at 100 calories, and about 10-12 carbs. SIGN ME UP ANYDAY.

OKAY. so we have that down: ImageImage

NOW BEFORE YOU START YOUR SHIT: YES, obviously they could be MORE SKINNY, if we put them on fucking lettuce leaves, but then they wouldn’t be TOSTADAS.<3 ….they’d be LETTUCE WRAPS. AND THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR THOSE.(and we love them.) but this is not that time.

Okay. Now. the usual (bless-ed) tostada: is FRIED TOSTADA SHELL, (grease and oil), REfried beans slathered on the bottom (how i love thee,) and super greasy meat, thats been cooked in oil, topped with avocado and white mexican cheese (orgasm)…..and a drizzle of mexican white Crema. (goodnight.)

WE ARE MAKING A SKINNY VERSION: AND ITS SOOOOO QUICK AND EASY!

1-SAUTTEE (OR grill-even better) Chicken breasts:
hit it with salt and pepper, and Season with Sazon for extra special spanish tastiness. i LIVE FOR THIS SHIT: Image

2- throw your chicken in a blender or food processor to shred it up: if you don’t have one, you can just chop it up like i used to do, before i got fancy and can shred it right up in my food processor: Imagemust revisit this btw: if you don’t have one of these: GET ONE. ITS 40 BUCKS, and the best 40 bucks i’ve ever spent.

3- Throw your shredded chicken back in the pan,(just some PAM cooking spray is fine, no extra oil needed) with some black beans. The chicken will get a FANTASTIC crunchy texture, and the beans remind us of slathered refried (with like, a billion times less the calories.) I like to use ONE full serving, since i know i’m making dinner for 2 people- and its like i’m eating HALF the calories.ya dig??: Image

4:While your chicken cooks, you can throw together a quick salsa, and a quick guacamole:
Note: Classic tostadas usually just have slices of avocado laid beautifull across the top, but i wanted guacamole to get more of the flavors in there (to make up for some of the super fatty shit that i’m NOT putting on this tostada.)

photo 5 Salsa: Tomatoes, white onion, cilantro, salt, pepper, squeeze of a lime,
GUAC: avocados, a little onion,a little diced tomato ,jalepeno, salt, pepper, cilantro. (you don’t need as much of all this stuff, because you DID make a salsa, and you don’t want overkill on anything.)

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5
: throw your chicken and beans combo on top of your tostadas!!! (measuring and weighing your food of course, so that you are within your calories)
6: Layer with Guac, and salsa, then throw a dab of fat free sour cream on top!! (its oNLY 30 calories for TWO tbsps….i always go with one, so its like cutting it in half…you’d be surprised how much and how BIG a table spoon is!!

AND BAM:

photoBeautiful and delicious skinny Tostadas. Around 450 calories, but a must to remember: is that avocado is high in calories! BUT ITS GOOOOOD FOR YOU FATS!!

THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE A SHOT OF MY MESSY KITCHEN WHILE THIS WAS GOING ON:

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and below: A brunch tostada shot! I only eat one tostada when having it as breakfast/brunch. Get the idea here? you can put ANYTHING YOU WANT on top of tostadas! i made kind of a fake Hash….. with a little turkey bacon, chopped up, onions, peppers, and there might be a little turkey pepporoni sautéed in there with it. 2 Eggs on top, heirloom tomatos, and drizzled over, is a Sriracha cream!!! (My new favorite thing to make) i keep a squirt bottle of it around….its just a little bit of fat free sour cream, mixed with sriracha…makes a spicy, yet cool topping for NEARLY ANYTHING!!!!! OJ is Trop 50, CUT with seltzer (its like having a mimosa i SWEAR, but for 25 calories instead and half the sugar.)
brunch
Have a good weekend! Maybe i’ll post some more brunch nonsense next post, since tomorrow is saturday and all.


Bike Riding- 13 miles! A Photo Essay:

ImageThe view from Randall’s Island.

Hey Y’all!!!

So this weekend was lots and lots of grilling in the backyard, and a 13 mile bike ride! Burned about 1200 calories.
In about 3 hours (with some stops, and stop for lunch) We rode from our house, over the bridge to Randalls island and across the Triboro Bridge into Queens.  Then all around Astoria, and BACK the exact same way. HOT DAMN the Triboro nearly killed me. That bridge was SOOOOO steep: 

photo 2 That was at the start of the bridge… there was a huge incline JUST to get there, so we stopped cuz i was DYING. (photo op, duh)

Then, the bridge ITSELF (above) was SOOOO steep, all incline, so we stopped halfway across to take stupid pictures:

photo 3View from middle of the bridge Out.

photo 4 copyside by side photo of COOL KIDS!!!
WHO LOOKS COOLER THAN ME IN MATCHING PINK RIDICULOUS BIKE GEAR hahahahahahaha.

photo 1 copy#strongman #almostdroppedhisbikeintheriver

photo 2 copyso much love. was sweating. wanted to die.

photo 5looking super cool, even though i’m about to barf my lung up.

THEN we rode around Astoria, Queens-which is where we used to live.
SUUUUUUUUUPER CORNY ALERT:
(like super really really cheesey corny: )

WE HAD A LITTLE PICNIC IN ASTORIA PARK: photo 3 copy
WE HAVE MATCHING BACKPACKS. SHUT UP.

Made turkey sandwiches with a little turkey bacon and lettuce, on low carb 40 calorie-a-slice- bread. (THRILLING, I KNOW.)
he had a chips, and i (he ate half of it anyway) had this popcorn i am OBSESSED WITH: its like 120 calories for 4 CUPS!! 2 cups is more than enough, so you’re eating half a serving….i’ll have to update with the name later)

After lunch, we went to our favorite antique store in Astoria (the best stuff, i want EVERYTHING all the time but bought nothing because A-i’m broke, (which never really matters) but mostly :B-you can’t carry a vintage wooden bar cart on your back on the triboro bridge on a bike.)

AND then we rode home, the exact way we came. And the bridge is JUST as difficult on the way home.

We got home with jello legs, and threw some skirt steak on the grill. Also had a little corn, and asparagus.

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The marinade: olive oil, soy sauce(low sodium) shallots, garlic, pepper, lemon pepper seasoning, and Thyme.

Thrown on the grill. Made enough to share with the people upstairs, and have for leftovers. ITS SO GOOD it makes my brain explode.

This is pretty much going to be my whole summer. Bike riding and grilling. (AND SKINNY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD)

it was too cold to ride to work this morning,(WTF WITH THIS WEATHER)…so i’m hitting up a CARDIO JAM class after work, PUKE.

Have a good week guys!!!(perky skinny girl voice)


BIKE RIDING TO BE SKINNY (and bbqs)

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Oh HEY y’all. Don’t mind me, i’ve just been over here, trying to widdle myself down, and with the warm weather arriving in NYC, i have begun riding my bike, to and from work.

IT IS NOT EASY. ABOVE, you can see a few to and from ride calorie burns.
TOP LEFT: i think my first ride: To, and From.
TOP RIGHT: , my husband and i rode for a few hours one saturday, all the way downtown ( and then took the train back cuz we weren’t in the mood for the long haul back haha) BUT 1400 cals!! proud.
BOTTOM left: this mornings to work ( burned less cuz i made it quicker)
BOTTOM RIGHT: yesterday’s to work ( took a little longer, got lost. haha)

BUT as you can see, its a GREAT workout, and a super serene way to get to work. There’s no gross train people, no screaming begging homeless people, no 6 kids screaming and throwing rice crispies at each other, no PACKED crowded train with people shoving your face into the windows of the doors like its rush hour in china, and noones elbow in your neck. Its a beautiful way to get to work, and calms someone like me down a lot. Riding through traffic in manhattan is a REALLY stressful, but once you can get to the bike path and shoot all the way down, its gorgeous: Image

The only other thing you have to fear, are OTHER riders. Some cyclists in this damn city think they are in the tour de france every morning, on a shared bike path, with people AND dogs, AND bikes….they try to mow us down haha. But other than that, its really fun.

THAT BEING SAID: BBQ SEASON IS UPON US!!!! it is SO FUN to fire up the grill ( and i am blessed to have a backyard) and a ridiculously healthy way of eating that i plan to take FULL advantage of this season.

Here’s a little peek at the menu from the other night. NEVER MIND THE BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE. its my all time FAVORITE and it was a beautiful day, we were celebrating the start of the season with a few friends a little.( i was good and didn’t have too much. ) PLUS, i had walked home from work the night before-it was A HAULLLL- and burned over 900 calories. SO I DESERVED A SIP OR 2 OF VINO. SHUT UP.

ImageImagenever mind all that junk , we’re redoing the garden- But there’s some lovely grilled food for ya. Grilled corn, asparagus, peppers and onions. Whole fish. Shrimp. Last night, i made salmon and asparagus, with enough leftovers for todays lunch, so super excited.

Trying really hard to stay focused. I’ve got 2 big trips coming up this year. One in august, and one in december. I want to look REALLY good for both trips, I have a small goal in mind for August. But by december, i want to see REAL serious results.

STAY IN THE GAME BITCHES!


Mini Frittata (egg “muffins”) recipe !!

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RECIPE BELOW:

HEY Y’ALL. 

Its sunny today, OMG. that makes me super happy. I am the nastiest, most miserable bitch when its gray and rainy, i have 0 motivation to go to the gym, and all i want to do is hole up and eat chips on the couch, snarling at anyone who comes too close to try to take my bag away. 

But when its sunny, i want to wear neon work out clothes that match and skip to the gym,  and work out for hours and hours and eat quinoa and spinach!!!!
 (not really, but at least DRAGGING my fat body there doesn’t seem like i’m being pulled toward the guillotine wrapped in chains.) 

SO, i needed a new breakfast option at work. I am SO LUCKY, that where i work, has million free food options, like 4 cereals for breakfast, every kind of milk from fat free, 1%,2%,Whole, soy and almond……bagels, avocados, greek yogurts, granolas, the best bread on the planet to make toast(devil) with delivered, and tons of fresh fruit…apples, oranges, bananas etc. The problem is, when your’e trying to REALLY see numbers move on the scale, eating cereal every day, gets A- monotonous, and B- a little too carby. ALSO, even though i keep a measuring cup in my drawer, i always end up eating too much of it- and the rasin-bran-crunchy/golean-crunchy/grain-flax-superstar-whatever cereal , while good for you- is like 300 calories after you add milk, and all you had was cereal, and your’e left a little hungry. I also felt like it was TOO MANY carbs, and even though its early enough in the day, i feel like maybe its got something to do with not seeing the scale move.  I felt like i was needing more protein/less carbs to start my day. Lastly, i wanted to cut back on the dairy. I usually use almond milk, but sometimes, if there isn’t any, i have to use regular, and then i feel bloated….SO CUT TO: the mini frittata! 

I already carry a billion tupperware and baggies of food for lunch/snacks and whatever else in my massive bag, so why not one more, with breakfast in it. 

THEN so many people started asking how to make them, when they really are the easiest thing in the world. Mix anything you want with eggs in a bowl, and pour them into a muffin tin. bake, baggie, and bring to work! Not brain science. But here goes: 

MUFFIN TIN FRITTATAS: Image
here you’ll see, I’ve lined a muffin tine with cupcake holders, and after crisping up my turkey bacon (i like the “everyday thin and crispY”…its only 30 calories for 2 slices!)
i let them dry, and popped them in the food processor. HOME MADE BACON BITS. GOODNIGHT. OMG. also in the food processor, a little onions, and garlic. NO CHOPPING=HAPPIEST HUMAN ALIVE.

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  •         1. SUPER CUTE CUPCAKE HOLDERS.

i like getting to look at super colorful damask cupcake holders, because it makes me feel like i’m eating something really decadent. And when other people see them, they go OOOOOHHHH WHAT IS THAT! ALSO, they were 1.99 at home goods, so thats really why. 

  • 2. Drain black beans! RINSE them. get all that salty canned yuck off them. Unless you’re Mother Teresa and you plan on soaking and boiling your own beans. MORE POWER TO YOU. But for bitches who aint got time for all that noise, GOYA will do JUST fine.( i’m not on a high horse about organic lalalala… i have a packed schedule, gym after work 5 days a week, a full time job, a show, a husband and a dog. Its a miracle i find time to pull these recipes out of my ass at all.

3.Whisk together:  8 eggs, ( you can use egg whites if you are on  a mission…but i need ALL the protein and flavor of the egg.), 1/4 cup of shredded fat free cheddar(which is the exact serving size, so spread out over 12 egg cups, is really nothing…just a little flavor…honestly, you could probably do without it and wouldn’t miss it, i may leave it out next time…) I threw in some chopped up heirloom tomatoes, Salt, and Pepper and : 

4. 1 Chicken sausage, browned in the pan( just PAM spray, no oil!) I cut them up and tossed them in the pan. It looks like a lot, because i was making 2 sausages, one for my salad for the next day, and one for the frittatas. 

NEXT FILL THE TINS!: 
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Just pour your whisked together mixture right into the tins, and i put 2 little circles of sausage into each tin ( if you try to pour them in you’ll get like 3 in one, and none in some…so i just placed them in by hand. this takes like, 30 seconds.)

AND BAKE! for about 30 minutes, depending on how ghetto your oven is. Until they have that gold delicious color and look like this: 

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They rise a little bit, but not too much. They are AMAZING. 

here’s BASICALLY nutritional info: Image each little muffin is about 87 calories, and 3 of them is 261 cals, which is the PERFECT breakfast! they fill you up cuz of the protein, and you feel like you are eating something illegal they taste so good. 

You can eat them on the run, grab them to go, pack em, and store em. I love them! 

enjoy! 

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Cauliflower Pizza Crust Recipe !!!!

                                                                        . photo

 

RECIPE AT THE BOTTOM

OKAY….

So i got on the bullshit cauliflower fake pizza mashed potato bandwagon. AND IT WAS AMAZING!

Yesterday one of you lovely bloggers caught my attention with the cauliflower mania nonsense. I don’t know how it happened- but i fell down the rabbit hole and ended up on the other side of the world, googling cauliflower pizza crust.

I cannot stress 2 things to you enough. #1, i was SOOOO SKEPTICAL of this horseshit. and #2- it was 10000% DELICIOUS!!!!! 

I said NO WAY . I am a pizza lover, i love dough and crunch and delicious, and i said this will NOT even taste good. I don’t even LIKE cauliflower. but all these photos (everywhere, especially if you hashtag it on instagram #cauliflowercrustpizza ) looked AMAZING. like golden brown crunchy discs sent from heaven with perfectly melted cheese.

IT IS a little more work than i thought it would be, because the cauliflower gets a little messy and turns into a damn scene, but it was SOOOO WORTH IT!! its literally more than half the calories of regular pizza, and it was SO GOOD!!

photo 1 Around the edges look a little burnt, but i swear it isn’t- it just sort of gets darker because its vegetable and not actual dough. (magic)

 

photo 2 Its topped with sauce, cheese, and shredded chicken, and i put a few pieces of soppressatta on there for my husband. (i only snuck one, i swear. Okay 2. shut up don’t judge me)

 

OKAY : My recipe: 

For the Crust: half a head of cauliflower, 1/4 cup of mozzarella, 1 egg, a little sprinkle of parm cheese, any seasonings you want. I used Basil, a blended Italian seasoning, garlic salt, salt, pepper, and 5 or 6 cloves of garlic pressed in the garlic press….( you need it to really infuse flavor into the “dough”)

THIS ENTIRE PIZZA only took HALF  a head of cauliflower:
Rough chop it, throw it in the blender to “rice” it….which just means grind it up as fine as you can get it…kind of so that it looks like cous cous, or smaller than rice.  you want it really fluffy. take it out, and cook it for a few minutes, either in the microwave, for 5-8 minutes or in a skillet on the stove top with a little bit of olive oil. Personally  i find that it gets m0re flavor that way, but i’m going to try the microwave way next time- i think it might be cleaner/faster/easier. When its soft, and you think its cooked, and its actually browning a little- take it off, throw it in the freezer to cool down a little bit.( i left it in for like 5 minutes….the reason is you don’t want to put an egg on something hot, because it will start to cook and curdle.)  Then, AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: Strain the cauliflower into  a dish towel or cheese cloth. you want to get as much water out as you can, and squeeze, squeeze squeeze!  THEN, on a greased piece of parchment paper on a baking sheet, spread out your “dough” and create any shape or size you want. the trick here though, is the thinner you can get it- the crispier it will be. Its hard to get it even, and its easy to make holes in it, because its not really dough, so try to get it as even as possible, and as thin as possible.

THEN YOU BAKE. Now. Every recipe i read was like JUST BAKE FOR 15 MINUTES AND ITS DONE! i don’t know WHO WAS ON WHAT CRACK when they wrote that, but depending on ovens….this shit took 35-40 minutes. So its not quick. I thin i’m going to pre heat longer next time…and see if that makes a difference  I’d like to get it down to like, 20 minutes. cuz a bitch don’t have time to be waiting for this nonsense while i’m damn near fainting in the kitchen trying to not to eat the whole bag of shredded cheese.

Once its crispy and firm ( you can kind of lift it off the paper without it feeling like its going to fall apart) and its golden brown, and looks like pizza crust……add your toppings of choice! I threw on some :

– tomato sauce (quick sauce that i whipped up…..just a small can of tomatoes, garlic, onion, basil, salt, pepper, and italian seasoning…i hateeeee pre seasoned jar sauce..ick.),
-low fat mozzarella  and a little swiss and gruyer blend from trader joes (very little cuz its higher in cals)
-and shredded chicken. (prepared however youwant.)

Put the pizza under your broiler for like 2 or 3 minutes (keep an eye don’t burn) to melt the cheese, and THEN STUFF YOUR FACE!!!

 

 

 


3 day Juice Cleanse, and a FIT BIT!

OKAY.

So I decided to do a 3 day juice cleanse.

I felt like I really needed a kick, a jump start, to debloat, and a way to kick cravings. Get shit under control. You all know the reasons.

I didn’t feel like saying anything the first day cuz I’m sure at the start of the day it would have been all WOOHOOOOOO LOOK AT ME! I’M ON A JUICE CLEANSE AND ITS GONNA BE GREAAATTTTT. Then when i got home on day 1, i cried sobbed, because i couldn’t stop thinking about eating popcorn for whatever reason. i don’t even LIKE popcorn that much! hah.

AND THEN, i didn’t wanna say anything YESTERDAY,day2 because i was HANGRY. (hungry/angry) all day. I wasn’t in the mood to type. All things considered, I was actually  in a pretty good mood up until around 4pm and then i got cranky as fuck. I didn’t want the last juice of the day, and i wanted to by the time i got home on both days, i was a miserable mess. i’ve been in bed by 8:30pm, and asleep by around 9 both nights, because WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO IF YOU AREN’T MAKING DINNER and HAVE A HEADACHE?! i could’ve like, cleaned my house and done other stuff, but i literally, couldn’t even sit up right on the couch. I was dizzy, and miserable, until my husband got home, and woke me up because he bought me a surprise!! a fit bit! more on that later.

Today, is day 3. I think, i actually feel good?? I lost 8lbs over the 2 days- we’ll see what tomorrow final number says, and then we’ll see how much of it actually STAYS OFF.  I am still a little tired, I know that all these people who juice are like I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT ALL! but either they’re lying, or its AFTER the 3 days. Because for 3 days, your body detoxes, so 3 days are the worst of it. so just when it should get easier, if you were doing say, a 10 day cleanse- its over. hah.

OKAY- so the cleanse:

We ripped off the blue print cleanse (blueprintcleanse.com)
and slightly modified a few of their juices. My friend has a Hurom slow juicer, so we made it in that ( my broke ass CANNOT afford one at this juncture.)

We did 6 juices a day, (which for me, turned into 5, because i just COULDN’T GET THE YELLOW DOWN. MORE on that in a sec.)
But turned out to be fine, because i felt like i physically couldn’t drink anymore juice. So its like, every 2 hours- 16 oz of juice.
photo 1 photo 2

so left to right we have: (forgive me if i’m leaving out an ingredient or 2…it took us forever and  i was so cracked out by the time we finished):

GREEN: spinach, kale, celery, parsley, green apple, lemon, cucumber, ginger
YELLOW: (Which turned out to be fucking disgusting) Yellow Pepper, Lemon, Pinapple, ginger and i THINK golden beets? not sure if those went into the orange. NOTE: i couldn’t drink this one, no matter what. which is weird, because both Laura and i thought it was like BILE, but my husband liked it, and drank ALL of it! weirdo. Too much yellow peppper for me, and she thinks we added WAYYY too much lemon rind, which i have to aggree with- it was SOOO bitter.
ORANGE: butternut squash, oranges, Carrots, ginger,
PURPLE: Bluberries, Red Kale, Red Carrots, BEETS!, lemon, ginger, mint
WHITE: Almonds, vanilla, agave, cinnamon.

we did 2 green a day, 1 yellow, 1 orange, 1 purple, and one white.

The blue print cleanse has you drink the white as your last drink, more like, a dessert, but i found that drinking it as my 2ND drink, made the day way more manageable- getting that protein in earlier, it was much easier to sustain. really took the edge off.

SO for doing it ourselves, for the first time, i think we did a fantastic job. we did a shit ton of research and reading, and made certain choices in changing up some of the  ingredients a little.

So here i am, day 3. currently sipping the white drink, as i type this. I feel fine, i DEFINATLEY FEEL LESS BLOATED! which was really the only goal, and someone said this morning that my skin looks very glowy. Not sure if thats this cleanse, or the Mac “hush” illuminator that i don’t leave home without anymore , but i’ll take it.

So i guess we’ll see after this is over, like, thursday and friday, when i have semi regular meals, how much weight stayed off, and how i feel, and if i’m still debloated. the plan is to eat REALLY REALLY clean, and then get a little more back to normal on monday. (not gross normal- like, sustainable, allowed to have coffee and SOME dairy normal)

BUT HOW SWEET IS MY HUSBAND?!?! last night he came home, and had a surprise: the fit bit i wanted!!!! it was a present because he was proud of me, for fighting through a lame ass 3 day cleanse!! hahah how cute?? ❤ He’s so supportive. he loves me AS I AM, but knows that losing weight is what I WANT, and while he knows he can’t say a word about it to me (i might murder him hahah) He always does little things to show support. He loves to write on the board every week when its weigh in time, and is always super proud and excited for me. Its really nice.

Anyway- It tracks your steps. So i’m super excited. SO far i’ve walked 2,276 steps today. hahaha

photo 3

It smiles at me:

photo 4

 

So be good kids! I’ll just be here, surviving the last hours of this self torture Juice Cleanse.


don’t gain back 5lbs, PUT DOWN THE DONUT.

Okay hambones, listen up.

If you are “on a diet” but eating a sausage keesh(pie crust WTF) for breakfast, and a scone before lunch, and 5 serving sizes of healthy blue corn tortilla chips, and 480 calories worth of peanut butter and jelly on a fat pice of rasin toast= NEWSFLASH!!! YOUR FAT ASS IS GOING TO EXPAND BEYOND PROPORTIONS YOU COULD EVEN IMAGINE. (translation: you are going to gain back 5lbs.

5 mother fucking pounds:

  • of your very hard work.
  • worth of deprived days and nights.
  • of REAL tears you cried over REAL donuts you REALLY didn’t eat.
  • that didn’t magically sweat off.
  • from fire burning death muscle pain,
  • lost only by huffing AND NEARLY BLACKING OUT,on a spinning bike next to skinny bitch Jets cheerleaders at the gym. (true life)
  • of temptations resisted.

Only to wake up one day after the holidaze and realize: THAT SOMEONE SNUCK IN, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND HOT GLUE GUNNED those 5 pounds BACK TO YOUR GUT.(and sloppily and disproportionately back to ONE of your ass cheeks, WTF)

I’ll be real,I won’t pretend that it was SO EASY LOSING THAT 18 POUNDS!! we just ‘CHANGED OUR LIVES’ and ‘made sustainable life choices’ and “ate clean” and “its not a diet its a life change”….all that mumbo jumbo that fat bitches say to their skinny friends who don’t understand what it ACTUALLY feels like, to stand in front of a tray of cake pops and feel tears well up, because they can’t have any.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
..what i’m getting at here, is WHEN YOU START EATING ridiculous amounts of food that you know you shouldn’t be eating, and can’t seem to get back “on track”…..and skip 2 weeks at the gym, and swear you’re going to go “tomorrow”

 

TRY TO REMEMBER all the horrible things you went through, to get just to that spot. to lose those 17 pounds, or those 12 pounds, or those 42 pounds. REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE slice of pizza you didn’t eat, every time you made a salad instead of potatoes, every time you sat in a meeting and didn’t have red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting from THAT BAKERY….every time you didn’t have a beer, every horrible, obnoxious conversation you over heard at the gym, every boot camp class you suffered through(without vomiting) all the icy hot you had to rub on your thighs, and every single t shirt you sweat through to GET THERE. Because for me, thats the only thing that works. None of this, “OH I’LL EAT IT TODAY, AND GET RIGHT BACK ON IT TOMORROW!!” ,BULLSHIT. Because at the end of the day, to feel like, ALL OF THAT WAS FOR NOTHING…and I MAY AS WELL HAVE EATEN THAT….is a shittier feeling than all the rest.

BACK AWAY FROM THE BAKED GOODS.

“WE CAN DO THIS! “(un natural positivity to round out this post.)