Its sunny today, OMG. that makes me super happy. I am the nastiest, most miserable bitch when its gray and rainy, i have 0 motivation to go to the gym, and all i want to do is hole up and eat chips on the couch, snarling at anyone who comes too close to try to take my bag away.
But when its sunny, i want to wear neon work out clothes that match and skip to the gym, and work out for hours and hours and eat quinoa and spinach!!!!
(not really, but at least DRAGGING my fat body there doesn’t seem like i’m being pulled toward the guillotine wrapped in chains.)
SO, i needed a new breakfast option at work. I am SO LUCKY, that where i work, has million free food options, like 4 cereals for breakfast, every kind of milk from fat free, 1%,2%,Whole, soy and almond……bagels, avocados, greek yogurts, granolas, the best bread on the planet to make toast(devil) with delivered, and tons of fresh fruit…apples, oranges, bananas etc. The problem is, when your’e trying to REALLY see numbers move on the scale, eating cereal every day, gets A- monotonous, and B- a little too carby. ALSO, even though i keep a measuring cup in my drawer, i always end up eating too much of it- and the rasin-bran-crunchy/golean-crunchy/grain-flax-superstar-whatever cereal , while good for you- is like 300 calories after you add milk, and all you had was cereal, and your’e left a little hungry. I also felt like it was TOO MANY carbs, and even though its early enough in the day, i feel like maybe its got something to do with not seeing the scale move. I felt like i was needing more protein/less carbs to start my day. Lastly, i wanted to cut back on the dairy. I usually use almond milk, but sometimes, if there isn’t any, i have to use regular, and then i feel bloated….SO CUT TO: the mini frittata!
I already carry a billion tupperware and baggies of food for lunch/snacks and whatever else in my massive bag, so why not one more, with breakfast in it.
THEN so many people started asking how to make them, when they really are the easiest thing in the world. Mix anything you want with eggs in a bowl, and pour them into a muffin tin. bake, baggie, and bring to work! Not brain science. But here goes:
MUFFIN TIN FRITTATAS:
here you’ll see, I’ve lined a muffin tine with cupcake holders, and after crisping up my turkey bacon (i like the “everyday thin and crispY”…its only 30 calories for 2 slices!)
i let them dry, and popped them in the food processor. HOME MADE BACON BITS. GOODNIGHT. OMG. also in the food processor, a little onions, and garlic. NO CHOPPING=HAPPIEST HUMAN ALIVE.
- 1. SUPER CUTE CUPCAKE HOLDERS.
i like getting to look at super colorful damask cupcake holders, because it makes me feel like i’m eating something really decadent. And when other people see them, they go OOOOOHHHH WHAT IS THAT! ALSO, they were 1.99 at home goods, so thats really why.
- 2. Drain black beans! RINSE them. get all that salty canned yuck off them. Unless you’re Mother Teresa and you plan on soaking and boiling your own beans. MORE POWER TO YOU. But for bitches who aint got time for all that noise, GOYA will do JUST fine.( i’m not on a high horse about organic lalalala… i have a packed schedule, gym after work 5 days a week, a full time job, a show, a husband and a dog. Its a miracle i find time to pull these recipes out of my ass at all.
3.Whisk together: 8 eggs, ( you can use egg whites if you are on a mission…but i need ALL the protein and flavor of the egg.), 1/4 cup of shredded fat free cheddar(which is the exact serving size, so spread out over 12 egg cups, is really nothing…just a little flavor…honestly, you could probably do without it and wouldn’t miss it, i may leave it out next time…) I threw in some chopped up heirloom tomatoes, Salt, and Pepper and :
4. 1 Chicken sausage, browned in the pan( just PAM spray, no oil!) I cut them up and tossed them in the pan. It looks like a lot, because i was making 2 sausages, one for my salad for the next day, and one for the frittatas.
Just pour your whisked together mixture right into the tins, and i put 2 little circles of sausage into each tin ( if you try to pour them in you’ll get like 3 in one, and none in some…so i just placed them in by hand. this takes like, 30 seconds.)
AND BAKE! for about 30 minutes, depending on how ghetto your oven is. Until they have that gold delicious color and look like this:
They rise a little bit, but not too much. They are AMAZING.
here’s BASICALLY nutritional info: each little muffin is about 87 calories, and 3 of them is 261 cals, which is the PERFECT breakfast! they fill you up cuz of the protein, and you feel like you are eating something illegal they taste so good.
You can eat them on the run, grab them to go, pack em, and store em. I love them!
RECIPE AT THE BOTTOM
So i got on the bullshit cauliflower fake pizza mashed potato bandwagon. AND IT WAS AMAZING!
Yesterday one of you lovely bloggers caught my attention with the cauliflower mania nonsense. I don’t know how it happened- but i fell down the rabbit hole and ended up on the other side of the world, googling cauliflower pizza crust.
I cannot stress 2 things to you enough. #1, i was SOOOO SKEPTICAL of this horseshit. and #2- it was 10000% DELICIOUS!!!!!
I said NO WAY . I am a pizza lover, i love dough and crunch and delicious, and i said this will NOT even taste good. I don’t even LIKE cauliflower. but all these photos (everywhere, especially if you hashtag it on instagram #cauliflowercrustpizza ) looked AMAZING. like golden brown crunchy discs sent from heaven with perfectly melted cheese.
IT IS a little more work than i thought it would be, because the cauliflower gets a little messy and turns into a damn scene, but it was SOOOO WORTH IT!! its literally more than half the calories of regular pizza, and it was SO GOOD!!
OKAY : My recipe:
For the Crust: half a head of cauliflower, 1/4 cup of mozzarella, 1 egg, a little sprinkle of parm cheese, any seasonings you want. I used Basil, a blended Italian seasoning, garlic salt, salt, pepper, and 5 or 6 cloves of garlic pressed in the garlic press….( you need it to really infuse flavor into the “dough”)
THIS ENTIRE PIZZA only took HALF a head of cauliflower:
Rough chop it, throw it in the blender to “rice” it….which just means grind it up as fine as you can get it…kind of so that it looks like cous cous, or smaller than rice. you want it really fluffy. take it out, and cook it for a few minutes, either in the microwave, for 5-8 minutes or in a skillet on the stove top with a little bit of olive oil. Personally i find that it gets m0re flavor that way, but i’m going to try the microwave way next time- i think it might be cleaner/faster/easier. When its soft, and you think its cooked, and its actually browning a little- take it off, throw it in the freezer to cool down a little bit.( i left it in for like 5 minutes….the reason is you don’t want to put an egg on something hot, because it will start to cook and curdle.) Then, AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: Strain the cauliflower into a dish towel or cheese cloth. you want to get as much water out as you can, and squeeze, squeeze squeeze! THEN, on a greased piece of parchment paper on a baking sheet, spread out your “dough” and create any shape or size you want. the trick here though, is the thinner you can get it- the crispier it will be. Its hard to get it even, and its easy to make holes in it, because its not really dough, so try to get it as even as possible, and as thin as possible.
THEN YOU BAKE. Now. Every recipe i read was like JUST BAKE FOR 15 MINUTES AND ITS DONE! i don’t know WHO WAS ON WHAT CRACK when they wrote that, but depending on ovens….this shit took 35-40 minutes. So its not quick. I thin i’m going to pre heat longer next time…and see if that makes a difference I’d like to get it down to like, 20 minutes. cuz a bitch don’t have time to be waiting for this nonsense while i’m damn near fainting in the kitchen trying to not to eat the whole bag of shredded cheese.
Once its crispy and firm ( you can kind of lift it off the paper without it feeling like its going to fall apart) and its golden brown, and looks like pizza crust……add your toppings of choice! I threw on some :
– tomato sauce (quick sauce that i whipped up…..just a small can of tomatoes, garlic, onion, basil, salt, pepper, and italian seasoning…i hateeeee pre seasoned jar sauce..ick.),
-low fat mozzarella and a little swiss and gruyer blend from trader joes (very little cuz its higher in cals)
-and shredded chicken. (prepared however youwant.)
Put the pizza under your broiler for like 2 or 3 minutes (keep an eye don’t burn) to melt the cheese, and THEN STUFF YOUR FACE!!!
So I decided to do a 3 day juice cleanse.
I felt like I really needed a kick, a jump start, to debloat, and a way to kick cravings. Get shit under control. You all know the reasons.
I didn’t feel like saying anything the first day cuz I’m sure at the start of the day it would have been all WOOHOOOOOO LOOK AT ME! I’M ON A JUICE CLEANSE AND ITS GONNA BE GREAAATTTTT. Then when i got home on day 1, i
cried sobbed, because i couldn’t stop thinking about eating popcorn for whatever reason. i don’t even LIKE popcorn that much! hah.
AND THEN, i didn’t wanna say anything YESTERDAY,day2 because i was HANGRY. (hungry/angry) all day. I wasn’t in the mood to type. All things considered, I was actually in a pretty good mood up until around 4pm and then i got cranky as fuck. I didn’t want the last juice of the day, and i wanted to by the time i got home on both days, i was a miserable mess. i’ve been in bed by 8:30pm, and asleep by around 9 both nights, because WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO IF YOU AREN’T MAKING DINNER and HAVE A HEADACHE?! i could’ve like, cleaned my house and done other stuff, but i literally, couldn’t even sit up right on the couch. I was dizzy, and miserable, until my husband got home, and woke me up because he bought me a surprise!! a fit bit! more on that later.
Today, is day 3. I think, i actually feel good?? I lost 8lbs over the 2 days- we’ll see what tomorrow final number says, and then we’ll see how much of it actually STAYS OFF. I am still a little tired, I know that all these people who juice are like I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT ALL! but either they’re lying, or its AFTER the 3 days. Because for 3 days, your body detoxes, so 3 days are the worst of it. so just when it should get easier, if you were doing say, a 10 day cleanse- its over. hah.
OKAY- so the cleanse:
We ripped off the blue print cleanse (blueprintcleanse.com)
and slightly modified a few of their juices. My friend has a Hurom slow juicer, so we made it in that ( my broke ass CANNOT afford one at this juncture.)
We did 6 juices a day, (which for me, turned into 5, because i just COULDN’T GET THE YELLOW DOWN. MORE on that in a sec.)
But turned out to be fine, because i felt like i physically couldn’t drink anymore juice. So its like, every 2 hours- 16 oz of juice.
so left to right we have: (forgive me if i’m leaving out an ingredient or 2…it took us forever and i was so cracked out by the time we finished):
GREEN: spinach, kale, celery, parsley, green apple, lemon, cucumber, ginger
YELLOW: (Which turned out to be fucking disgusting) Yellow Pepper, Lemon, Pinapple, ginger and i THINK golden beets? not sure if those went into the orange. NOTE: i couldn’t drink this one, no matter what. which is weird, because both Laura and i thought it was like BILE, but my husband liked it, and drank ALL of it! weirdo. Too much yellow peppper for me, and she thinks we added WAYYY too much lemon rind, which i have to aggree with- it was SOOO bitter.
ORANGE: butternut squash, oranges, Carrots, ginger,
PURPLE: Bluberries, Red Kale, Red Carrots, BEETS!, lemon, ginger, mint
WHITE: Almonds, vanilla, agave, cinnamon.
we did 2 green a day, 1 yellow, 1 orange, 1 purple, and one white.
The blue print cleanse has you drink the white as your last drink, more like, a dessert, but i found that drinking it as my 2ND drink, made the day way more manageable- getting that protein in earlier, it was much easier to sustain. really took the edge off.
SO for doing it ourselves, for the first time, i think we did a fantastic job. we did a shit ton of research and reading, and made certain choices in changing up some of the ingredients a little.
So here i am, day 3. currently sipping the white drink, as i type this. I feel fine, i DEFINATLEY FEEL LESS BLOATED! which was really the only goal, and someone said this morning that my skin looks very glowy. Not sure if thats this cleanse, or the Mac “hush” illuminator that i don’t leave home without anymore , but i’ll take it.
So i guess we’ll see after this is over, like, thursday and friday, when i have semi regular meals, how much weight stayed off, and how i feel, and if i’m still debloated. the plan is to eat REALLY REALLY clean, and then get a little more back to normal on monday. (not gross normal- like, sustainable, allowed to have coffee and SOME dairy normal)
BUT HOW SWEET IS MY HUSBAND?!?! last night he came home, and had a surprise: the fit bit i wanted!!!! it was a present because he was proud of me, for fighting through a lame ass 3 day cleanse!! hahah how cute?? ❤ He’s so supportive. he loves me AS I AM, but knows that losing weight is what I WANT, and while he knows he can’t say a word about it to me (i might murder him hahah) He always does little things to show support. He loves to write on the board every week when its weigh in time, and is always super proud and excited for me. Its really nice.
Anyway- It tracks your steps. So i’m super excited. SO far i’ve walked 2,276 steps today. hahaha
It smiles at me:
So be good kids! I’ll just be here, surviving the last hours of this
self torture Juice Cleanse.
Okay hambones, listen up.
If you are “on a diet” but eating a sausage keesh(pie crust WTF) for breakfast, and a scone before lunch, and 5 serving sizes of healthy blue corn tortilla chips, and 480 calories worth of peanut butter and jelly on a fat pice of rasin toast= NEWSFLASH!!! YOUR FAT ASS IS GOING TO EXPAND BEYOND PROPORTIONS YOU COULD EVEN IMAGINE. (translation: you are going to gain back 5lbs.
5 mother fucking pounds:
- of your very hard work.
- worth of deprived days and nights.
- of REAL tears you cried over REAL donuts you REALLY didn’t eat.
- that didn’t magically sweat off.
- from fire burning death muscle pain,
- lost only by huffing AND NEARLY BLACKING OUT,on a spinning bike next to skinny bitch Jets cheerleaders at the gym. (true life)
- of temptations resisted.
Only to wake up one day after the holidaze and realize: THAT SOMEONE SNUCK IN, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND HOT GLUE GUNNED those 5 pounds BACK TO YOUR GUT.(and sloppily and disproportionately back to ONE of your ass cheeks, WTF)
I’ll be real,I won’t pretend that it was SO EASY LOSING THAT 18 POUNDS!! we just ‘CHANGED OUR LIVES’ and ‘made sustainable life choices’ and “ate clean” and “its not a diet its a life change”….all that mumbo jumbo that fat bitches say to their skinny friends who don’t understand what it ACTUALLY feels like, to stand in front of a tray of cake pops and feel tears well up, because they can’t have any.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
..what i’m getting at here, is WHEN YOU START EATING ridiculous amounts of food that you know you shouldn’t be eating, and can’t seem to get back “on track”…..and skip 2 weeks at the gym, and swear you’re going to go “tomorrow”
TRY TO REMEMBER all the horrible things you went through, to get just to that spot. to lose those 17 pounds, or those 12 pounds, or those 42 pounds. REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE slice of pizza you didn’t eat, every time you made a salad instead of potatoes, every time you sat in a meeting and didn’t have red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting from THAT BAKERY….every time you didn’t have a beer, every horrible, obnoxious conversation you over heard at the gym, every boot camp class you suffered through(without vomiting) all the icy hot you had to rub on your thighs, and every single t shirt you sweat through to GET THERE. Because for me, thats the only thing that works. None of this, “OH I’LL EAT IT TODAY, AND GET RIGHT BACK ON IT TOMORROW!!” ,BULLSHIT. Because at the end of the day, to feel like, ALL OF THAT WAS FOR NOTHING…and I MAY AS WELL HAVE EATEN THAT….is a shittier feeling than all the rest.
BACK AWAY FROM THE BAKED GOODS.
“WE CAN DO THIS! “(un natural positivity to round out this post.)