RECIPE AT THE BOTTOM
So i got on the bullshit cauliflower fake pizza mashed potato bandwagon. AND IT WAS AMAZING!
Yesterday one of you lovely bloggers caught my attention with the cauliflower mania nonsense. I don’t know how it happened- but i fell down the rabbit hole and ended up on the other side of the world, googling cauliflower pizza crust.
I cannot stress 2 things to you enough. #1, i was SOOOO SKEPTICAL of this horseshit. and #2- it was 10000% DELICIOUS!!!!!
I said NO WAY . I am a pizza lover, i love dough and crunch and delicious, and i said this will NOT even taste good. I don’t even LIKE cauliflower. but all these photos (everywhere, especially if you hashtag it on instagram #cauliflowercrustpizza ) looked AMAZING. like golden brown crunchy discs sent from heaven with perfectly melted cheese.
IT IS a little more work than i thought it would be, because the cauliflower gets a little messy and turns into a damn scene, but it was SOOOO WORTH IT!! its literally more than half the calories of regular pizza, and it was SO GOOD!!
OKAY : My recipe:
For the Crust: half a head of cauliflower, 1/4 cup of mozzarella, 1 egg, a little sprinkle of parm cheese, any seasonings you want. I used Basil, a blended Italian seasoning, garlic salt, salt, pepper, and 5 or 6 cloves of garlic pressed in the garlic press….( you need it to really infuse flavor into the “dough”)
THIS ENTIRE PIZZA only took HALF a head of cauliflower:
Rough chop it, throw it in the blender to “rice” it….which just means grind it up as fine as you can get it…kind of so that it looks like cous cous, or smaller than rice. you want it really fluffy. take it out, and cook it for a few minutes, either in the microwave, for 5-8 minutes or in a skillet on the stove top with a little bit of olive oil. Personally i find that it gets m0re flavor that way, but i’m going to try the microwave way next time- i think it might be cleaner/faster/easier. When its soft, and you think its cooked, and its actually browning a little- take it off, throw it in the freezer to cool down a little bit.( i left it in for like 5 minutes….the reason is you don’t want to put an egg on something hot, because it will start to cook and curdle.) Then, AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: Strain the cauliflower into a dish towel or cheese cloth. you want to get as much water out as you can, and squeeze, squeeze squeeze! THEN, on a greased piece of parchment paper on a baking sheet, spread out your “dough” and create any shape or size you want. the trick here though, is the thinner you can get it- the crispier it will be. Its hard to get it even, and its easy to make holes in it, because its not really dough, so try to get it as even as possible, and as thin as possible.
THEN YOU BAKE. Now. Every recipe i read was like JUST BAKE FOR 15 MINUTES AND ITS DONE! i don’t know WHO WAS ON WHAT CRACK when they wrote that, but depending on ovens….this shit took 35-40 minutes. So its not quick. I thin i’m going to pre heat longer next time…and see if that makes a difference I’d like to get it down to like, 20 minutes. cuz a bitch don’t have time to be waiting for this nonsense while i’m damn near fainting in the kitchen trying to not to eat the whole bag of shredded cheese.
Once its crispy and firm ( you can kind of lift it off the paper without it feeling like its going to fall apart) and its golden brown, and looks like pizza crust……add your toppings of choice! I threw on some :
– tomato sauce (quick sauce that i whipped up…..just a small can of tomatoes, garlic, onion, basil, salt, pepper, and italian seasoning…i hateeeee pre seasoned jar sauce..ick.),
-low fat mozzarella and a little swiss and gruyer blend from trader joes (very little cuz its higher in cals)
-and shredded chicken. (prepared however youwant.)
Put the pizza under your broiler for like 2 or 3 minutes (keep an eye don’t burn) to melt the cheese, and THEN STUFF YOUR FACE!!!
Okay hambones, listen up.
If you are “on a diet” but eating a sausage keesh(pie crust WTF) for breakfast, and a scone before lunch, and 5 serving sizes of healthy blue corn tortilla chips, and 480 calories worth of peanut butter and jelly on a fat pice of rasin toast= NEWSFLASH!!! YOUR FAT ASS IS GOING TO EXPAND BEYOND PROPORTIONS YOU COULD EVEN IMAGINE. (translation: you are going to gain back 5lbs.
5 mother fucking pounds:
- of your very hard work.
- worth of deprived days and nights.
- of REAL tears you cried over REAL donuts you REALLY didn’t eat.
- that didn’t magically sweat off.
- from fire burning death muscle pain,
- lost only by huffing AND NEARLY BLACKING OUT,on a spinning bike next to skinny bitch Jets cheerleaders at the gym. (true life)
- of temptations resisted.
Only to wake up one day after the holidaze and realize: THAT SOMEONE SNUCK IN, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND HOT GLUE GUNNED those 5 pounds BACK TO YOUR GUT.(and sloppily and disproportionately back to ONE of your ass cheeks, WTF)
I’ll be real,I won’t pretend that it was SO EASY LOSING THAT 18 POUNDS!! we just ‘CHANGED OUR LIVES’ and ‘made sustainable life choices’ and “ate clean” and “its not a diet its a life change”….all that mumbo jumbo that fat bitches say to their skinny friends who don’t understand what it ACTUALLY feels like, to stand in front of a tray of cake pops and feel tears well up, because they can’t have any.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
..what i’m getting at here, is WHEN YOU START EATING ridiculous amounts of food that you know you shouldn’t be eating, and can’t seem to get back “on track”…..and skip 2 weeks at the gym, and swear you’re going to go “tomorrow”
TRY TO REMEMBER all the horrible things you went through, to get just to that spot. to lose those 17 pounds, or those 12 pounds, or those 42 pounds. REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE slice of pizza you didn’t eat, every time you made a salad instead of potatoes, every time you sat in a meeting and didn’t have red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting from THAT BAKERY….every time you didn’t have a beer, every horrible, obnoxious conversation you over heard at the gym, every boot camp class you suffered through(without vomiting) all the icy hot you had to rub on your thighs, and every single t shirt you sweat through to GET THERE. Because for me, thats the only thing that works. None of this, “OH I’LL EAT IT TODAY, AND GET RIGHT BACK ON IT TOMORROW!!” ,BULLSHIT. Because at the end of the day, to feel like, ALL OF THAT WAS FOR NOTHING…and I MAY AS WELL HAVE EATEN THAT….is a shittier feeling than all the rest.
BACK AWAY FROM THE BAKED GOODS.
“WE CAN DO THIS! “(un natural positivity to round out this post.)
the hurricane made me lose 2 pounds.
After an extremely difficult and successful week at work, apartment hunting giving me extreme anxiety, not being able to go to the gym ALL WEEK to see said apartments, and apply for one only to be denied, in and out of depression and nasty moods…….
I LOST 3 pounds this week!!!
And aside from one extra piece of whole wheat toast with PB2 (the peanut butter powder) and a few reasons on Wednesday night….(really went wild…
NO STRESS BINGING!!!
All week at work, there were insane cupcakes, ridiculous cookies ( always the good stuff for client meetings) and then candy EVERYWHERE Jesus Christ. Kit Kats my fav and you know what? I didn’t eat any!!
And before you start with the don’t deprive yourself –
I “didn’t deprive myself” plenty for 20 years, and that’s how we ended up here. At this stage in the game I know better. All those trigger foods- if I eat one I WON’T stop.
There’s plenty of time when I reAch my goals to “not deprive myself” .
Ill save the cookies for desperate moments later. This week I am proud.
So for now, no gym today and tomorrow as were sittin pretty in NYC waiting for Hurricane sandy to hit. Tonight I’m gonna make my chilli (ground chicken) and maybe Tomorrow some soup! I made this:
Last week, a creamy tomato soup recipie and it was AMAZING!!
Here is the recipie:
It’s a great low cal tomato soup and on the side there was half ( split with husband) grilled cheese with turkey bacon! Fat free cheddar, turkey bacon and low carb bread. And I can’t believe it’s not butter. Perfect fake delicious grilled cheese with soup, which is allllll I crave when it’s disgusting out.
Well, that’s all! I’m trapped in the house for 2 days, at least there’s no bad food around except for some popcorn- so should be okay!
Tap class last night:
SO THAT MAKES 11, since i started the re-boot of my life in 3 weeks ( and 14 total, from when i started BEFORE the summer, pretending i was being healthy by going to the gym once a week and eating whatever the F. i wanted) But i’m really only counting from 3 weeks ago, because i wanted a solid starting point.
So that completes WEEK 3, and i SURVIVED the weekend! Speaking of surviving, I made an executive financial decision, and decided to up my NYSC (New York Sports Club) membership from Core to Passport. That is all fancy speak for: now i can go to any location instead of just the one. I had been agonizing over it for a month, because i wanted more class options, but couldn’t decide if spending the extra 20 beans a month was going to BREAK THE BANK or if i could justify it in my head. wallet. Originally I signed up for the core (meaning you can only go to the one club) because it was cheaper, and that location was right near work, so that i would have virtually no excuse to skip. with me it has always been about convenience. if i don’t LITERALLY have to pass it ON MY WAY HOME, there will be any excuse not to go. But my particular location has very limited classes. there’s only spinning 3 days a week, and any other class doesn’t fit with my schedule. So i figured……I could spend that 20 bucks on ANY OTHER SHIT in the world in a month….i might as well invest it into myself, and give myself the options of allllll the clubs all over the city with hundreds of class options, different times, different locations….so i went to spinning SATURDAY AND SUNDAY!!
I think the breaking point was Thursday night (thurs and fri- no spinning at my core club) SO i was like, i had to do something- i got on the elliptical for old times sake and was so bored i couldn’t keep myself together. so thats when i figured out i had to have more options. There, justified. The push that other people give you at class, is exactly what i need. i have spent YEARS working out at gyms alone. i am OVER it. so for now, group classes are keeping me motivated. The other exciting thing- is that one of the other clubs has a pool- and they have this AQUA WORK OUT CLASS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH i cannot wait!!
More to come on that (and if i actually put a bathing suit on in front of humans to work OUT IN. despite the fact that half my body should be underwater the whole time.)
SO moral of the story is: spend the money on anything that will prove to make it EVEN JUST A LITTTLE BIT EASIER on yourself. i have enough obstacles in the day to day, that when i WANT TO TAKE A CLASS, i can go anywhere i want, and its easy to just GO. That isn’t the place to skimp or save money, you know?? i can cut it out of anywhere else in my budget (hah- as if i HAD one) to make room for the money its gonna take to get me to my goal. Whenever you start to make excuses for why financially you can’t pay for a gym, or this and that- stop and think. What am i spending money on , thats stupid, and NOT helping me get to my goal, that realistically i could cut out?? i’m the queen of excuses, especially when it comes to money. prioritize, and PUT YOURSELF AT THE TOP!!! put your goal, and your loss, and your health at the top. cuz if you don’t, noone else ever will. And noone can do it for you.
I’m making chilli again tonight! its the best, and it makes lunches for the whole week- which means i don’t even have to think about it- and its filling and delicious and makes me whole life happy. ALSO making pumpkin mousse, and watching walking dead AFTER spinning tonight. baaahhhhhhhhh